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Friday, May 21, 2010

Old Feelings, ..New perspective

So...I was glancing over my old blog posts, from the days when it was Trent and Kaylyn. I posted this a couple days after my world turned upside down and was faced with the divorce dicision. so... looking back on this post makes me cry because I remember how freaking hard, heartbreaking and emotional it was for me t make the Divorce decision, but for any of you girls out there that are going though this right now I can tell you one thing that I think is super imoportant. Have faith, and if you have a current temple recommend, stay worthy and go to the temple often. The Temple is the greatest place to pray, seek guidence, and feel comforted. It took me a couple months to finally feel a peace with my decision which to me seems like was the hardest thing to get over, knowing that you are doing the right thing makes everything soo much easier.

So for me, its been 7 months, not 7 months since Ive been divorced, but 7 months of being seperated, since I made the decision to leave. Has my life been better? Have I found my prince charming? ummm.. Yeah no, but I think that is to be expected the fist year after getting divorced, its emontional, stressful, draining, and HARD! Knowing the things I know now about relationhips and marrige, I know its going to be hard to even find someone that I would be intreted in dating.I know what qualities I want my future husband to have which lets face it, there are not very many GOOD GUYS left out there to date. Like seriously, signs of the times I guess its sad but thats why I say you have got to have faith. If I wanted to be married to a not so awesome guy I would have stayed married to the one I had. I prayed numerous times and my answer was to leave. I have faith that god has a plan, and a man for me, lol somewhere out there. I guess for all you girls out there in my same situation reading this, we just gotta have faith and live the gospel and the lord will do his part. Okay enough of that, I'll graze back on this topic on my 1 year mark.

OCTOBER 20th 2009
Life, Blessings, and Brooklyn Harlow

So today is October 2oth 2009. This date doesn't have any significant meaning to me, but for some reason I have this feeling that it will be a day that holds sentilental meaning to me for many years to come. A turning point in my life that I will remember forever.

I went to the temple this morning. I sat in the Celestial room for I'm not sure how many hours. I didn't want to leave, it was so peaceful there. In that room, it seems like all of your troubles and problmes just disappear, and for that short time, you feel: calm, collected, peaceful, pure, unconfused, content, like a child of god. Then you leave the temple grounds; reality sets in and you realize that your still here,(in the real world), and you have to go home and deal with all of the troubles and trails and hardships that this wonerful yet cruel world throws at you. But still,.. leaving with that amazing uplifting feeling that you always have when leaving there.

I spent most of yesterday thinking about the decisions I have made in my life. Playing them over and over in head. There are so many decisons I have made in my life that I regret. If I only knew then what I know now, how different my life would have been. I was in such a rush to grow up. Always, no matter how old I was, I wanted to be about ten years older.

I moved out when I was 17,too young to be on my own, but I didn't know it at the time. Beauty school days, and for sometime after, where awesome,out of control spontaneous, but at the same time heartbreaking. I was in a relationship during this time where feelings where so intense that we each acted,(sometimes), a lil crazy! But breakup after breakup we just couldn't seem to move on. One of those crazy love hate realationships where one month your madly in love, and the next month your screaming and fighting, throwing plates, slamming doors, crying yourself to sleep at 4 o'clock in the morning, moving houses to get away, moving states to get away etc. etc. I knew Trent during these crazy days, but we didn't start our relationship until after I moved back, from moving states. We dated for an extremely short period of time, Married a short time later, and then about 9 months later had a baby, you get the picture, all very very fast.

I have had an amazing life so far,I have the greatest parents and family in the world, who have supported me in anything and everything that I have wanted to do in my life. I realized that all of those regrets I have had, mean nothing anymore. If I wouldn't have had those experieces and regrets in my life, I would not have made the same desicions I have made. Therefore I would not have my beautiful little girl Brooklyn Harlow. She is the most important thing in this world to me, I love her soo much its undiscribable.I feel so blessed to have her in my life and feel so privilaged to be able to raise such a sweet, innocent little spirit.

Since I seem to be pouring my heart out in this post I feel like I still need to go on. A couple days ago, I had a really bad day. A day like I have not had in years, in the years past, when I would have one of "these days" there was only one person I would call, the one person I knew I could count on for anything. No matter what time of day or night, he would be there in an instant, I always knew I could count on him for whatever I needed. He was my best friend, he had this awesome personality, one of a kind, I never really had guys that were just friends but for a
some reason, we just had this magnetic, instant bond from the first time we met, and we were pretty much best friends from then on.

Ty Nichols. He always knew exactly what to say to make me feel better. Well on this bad day I was having, I felt so lost, the first person I wanted to call was Ty. Well for those of you who didn't know Ty, you probably didn't know that he passed away this last January. I remember when I found out, I immediatly started bawling, I think I cried the rest of the day and night. After his funeral, I don't think I ever talked about him again,it was too hard, so I just wanted to say, "I love you Ty." And for those of you who knew him, I just want you to take a minute and think about a fun time or a great memory that you had with him, smile, and I hope that it brightens up your day and makes you realize just how precious life really is. So cherish it and never take it for granted.